Cannonball
by Kendoka Girl
Summary: Niftu "Cannonball" Cal really is a biotic god. Some fun poking done at multiplayer.
1. Chapter 1

**Writer's notes - **This is totally tongue in cheek, making a bit of fun at ME multiplayer, especially the old FB White gold camping.

**Cannonball Cal**

Lights dimmed on a soundstage as news droid hovered over two figures seated at a coffee table. "This is Diana Allers, reporting from the Battlespace, where I am honored to be conducting an exclusive interview with Niftu 'Cannonball' Cal, the original biotic god. Cannonball, your success on the battlefield is now legendary," one figure said, leaning in towards a tiny, rotund figure. "Cannonball, please share with the Battlespace how you got started."

Cal glowed blue for the camera. "Well, Diana," he began, his voice sounding like he had a stuffy nose, "my legend…_shhhhh_…began on Illium. I was…_shhhh_…just a humble merchant dealing in red s…I mean pharmaceuticals. An Eclipse mercenary…_shhhhh_…Captain Wasea had hatched a devious plan…_shhhh_…to murder the beloved Commander Shepard. Perhaps you might know her. She's a…_shhhhh_…friend of mine."

"Yes, I'm attached to the _Normandy_."

"Oh…wonderful. So, Shepard comes up to me while…_shhhh_…I'm planning my attack on Captain Wasea. She says, 'Cal, you are a biotic god. Help me to take down the Eclipse mercs…_shhhh_…I can't do it without you.' I told her that I would toss Wasea around like a rag doll."

"That's amazing!"

"Yes, the rest is…_shhhhh_…history."

"What a story, Cannonball. Let's take a look at clips from your recent battle. Tell the Battlespace what's happening."

A video began to play on a holographic screen and Call waved his tiny hands around. "Well, Diana, I'm down on an unnamed planet. You know…_shhhh_…classified mission. I'm with a batarian, a krogan and a turian."

"That, uhhh…sounds like the beginning of a bad joke. You know, a batarian, a krogan and a turian walk into a bar…. Oh, sorry. Nevermind."

"Hah, I think I've…_shhhh_…heard of that one. But anyway, those nasty Cerberuses were preparing to attack. Okay, let's look at the clip."

The film rolls to show Cal and the others huddled together behind a computer console while a snow storm raged outside. The batarian pointed out the door. "Bambi!"

"What's he saying?" asked the krogan.

The turian shrugged. "With that accent, who knows?"

Several shots flew through the door, nearly hitting them. Cal leapt over the counter. "Oh, he said, 'enemy.' I hate camping. It's time…_shhhh_…to get paid."

A disembodied voice came over the speakers. "With…desperate…urgency: A high…ranking…enemy…is…in…the vicinity…find those targets…take them…out."

"That elchor is always on the ball," Cal said as a Cerberus Dragoon came around the door. Cal unloaded a stream of glowing balls at the dragoon before he focused his power and flew into the enemy as if shot from a cannon. The dragoon barreled, head over heels back out the door, through the courtyard and over the cliff.

Voices called out from beyond the door. "We got wounded! We got wounded! Taking casualties! Objective lost!"

"With satisfaction: Good…job. Target eliminated. Expectant: We…have a new…target…on…the field. Take…him…out."

A woman then appeared out of nowhere and stabbed the batarian in the leg with a sword. "Nyaaah!"

"With disappointment: We still…have…an active…target…on the…field. Demanding: Get…a…move on."

Cal turned and hammered the woman with glowing balls. _POOMPOOMPOOM_. He then leapt at her like before, in his signature move, flinging her out the door and down the cliff.

"Gazzeeebabeecheee!" she screamed.

Cal scratched his head. "Ummm, did you…_shhhh…_say something?"

"Proud: Great work. All…targets…down. Desperately imploring: Shuttle inbound…get to…the extraction…zone."

"Go, go…_shhhhh_…go!"

The film clip faded and Diana gave a hearty applause. "Cannonball, that was something. You were so brave. You have brass biotic balls."

"They don't call me…_shhhhh_…the biotic god for nothing."


	2. The Smell of Greatness

**W/N - **A little lighthearted ficlet with some action. Poke fun of some ME multiplayer aspects. Picks up where Cannonball left off. May lead into the Diana Allers/Niftu Cal romance achievement. I also had a silver Collectors match with the worst bunch of randoms ever. I may have to write about that.

**The Smell of Greatness**

A hanar floated onto the soundstage, his purple presence dominating the room. "This One smells greatness in the house." The hanar glided towards a human female and a volus, who were locked in conversation. Etched into its translucent jelly-like skin was the striped symbol of a Spectre.

The volus looked up and nearly rolled back on his bulbous behind. "B…b…b… _shhhhhh_…Bu…bu…_shhhh…_Blasto!" he said in awe, nearly hyperventilating.

A mauve tentacle raised and shot forward, pointing right at the volus' masked face. "Cannonball, This One needs the volus on Team Blasto. There is a galaxy to save," Blasto said, his jelly-like form shimmering.

Niftu "Cannonball" Cal staggered, almost unable to believe his good fortune. "I…I don't know what to say, Kahje-Clan. _Shhhhh_…I would be…would be honored!"

"Then join This One on the great crusade. This One's partner, Bubin is waiting at the ship."

Diana Allers stepped up quickly, flopping around in her high heels. "Oh no you don't. Not without me! Ratings for The Battlespace would be up twenty points if I covered your team."

Blasto whirled gracefully to face Diana. "Of what use could the human be? The human has even squishier bumps than This One."

Cannonball pointed one of his three fingers at Diana. "Earth-Clan…_shhhh_…has been covering all of my exploits. She can get us recognition for our cause!"

"Very well," Blasto said with a glowing pulse. "This One accepts. Make haste though. The mission awaits."

Cannonball walked swiftly behind the floating hanar, his stubby legs nearly a blur of speed. Diana brought up the rear, tottering on her four inch heels. In a couple of minutes, they reached the dock where Blasto's Spectre shuttle sat, ready for action. The shuttle was the color of mulberry with a painting both the hanar and his elcor sidekick adorning the hatch. The hatch opened with a hiss to reveal bulky Bubin and his half smoked cigar protruding from one of his vocal slits.

"Skeptically: How is this small fry going to benefit the mission?" Bubin asked in his droning monotone.

Cannonball glowed blue for a moment and held out his three-fingered hand, pulling Bubin's smoke right out of his face with willpower alone. "_Shhhhh…_I got your small fry right here, Dekuuna-Clan."

"Badassfully: Give me that, runt."

Blasto plucked the cigar from the air and stuffed it back in Bubin's face. "This One has no time for either of your antics. A galaxy must be saved."

Without further ado, they boarded the gaudy shuttle and leapt into the air, bound for who knows where. Blasto skillfully guided the shuttle into FTL with his many tentacles until a planet came up on the sensors. "Bubin, This One needs you to be the eyes and ears of Team Blasto. This One would appreciate if you would prevent the Collectors from annihilating our group."

Cannonball's optics glowed yellow for a moment. "W…_shhhh_…what? No one said anything about…_shhhh_…Scary-Base-Clan. Those guys are tear ass. Scions are way overpowered!"

Blasto shimmered. "Fear not, Cannonball. This One wouldn't have asked the volus to join Team Blasto unless the volus were ready. This One smelled your greatness back there."

"Oh…oh yes. Lead on."

Diana began rolling the camera droid. "This is Diana Allers, reporting from hanar Spectre Blasto's secret shuttle. We have a special treat for the Battlespace audience as Blasto teams with Niftu "Cannonball" Cal for a covert mission."

"Landing in three, two, one," Blasto chimed in a soothing voice. "This one will lead Team Blasto to Enkindler technology." The hatch hissed open and the hanar floated out onto the battlefield like a ballerina as Cal fired up his big biotic balls. The volus looked out onto a city shrouded in darkness.

Bubin lumbered off of the shuttle in front of Diana and heavy machineguns and a rocket launcher emerged from the elcor's pack and self assembled on his shoulders. "Informative: Prothean artifact located in the science lab. Demanding: Move it out."

Cannonball's stubby legs propelled him into the first habitation module where he heard a peculiar _chittering_ sound and then something like the buzzing of bees. The battle was about to be joined. Cal saw movement up ahead and two insect-like creatures came around the corner. For a moment, he felt a cold prickly run down his skin under his combat suit, but he felt a solid jelly-like presence behind him. "This One has your back, Cannonball."

"All right then. Time to get paid!" A blue bolt of power shot from Cannonball's hand and into the first enemy, freezing it in place. A purple tentacle whipped past the tiny volus' head and struck the Collector full on, shattering its body into a thousand pieces. Cal then crouched down and summoned his godlike biotic power and flung himself at the next trooper. His body red shifted for a fraction of a second before he became a blue streak of greatness. _BAM!_ He felt his mass increase manifold as he slammed into the collector trooper. He could see its bug eyes widen in slow motion just before impact. Time then seemed to speed back to normal as the trooper cartwheeled through the air, flailing helplessly.

"Skepticism diminishing: That wasn't bad, small fry. Challenging: But wait, there's more."

Cal snorted. "Oh, wonderful," he said in his stuffy nose voice. He turned to see Diana right behind him, the camera droid aimed down at his head. "You…_shhh_…getting all of this?"

"The Battlespace is going to eat this up!"

Blasto swatted swarming bugs around his body. "This One finds the swarm quite noisome."

"Irritated: Get a move on, you lazy swine. Sarcastically informative: The Reaper tech won't save itself."

Cal rushed into the next room. He knew he must be near the lab. The tech would definitely be there if Bubin was worth his weight in lard. The deep staccato report of a heavy weapon caught Cannonball's attention and he stopped in his tracks as a distant rumble of an explosion rolled in through the door. Bubin was in trouble.

"Badassfully: Git some. Git some. Git some."

The volus was gripped by momentary indecision. Still, the tech had to be saved. "Blasto, go save…_shhhh_…Bubin. I'll get the tech!"

"This One will rescue the lard ass. Go get the Enkindler artifact."

"On it!" Cannonball said with growing confidence. He waddled ahead with grim determination, up the stairs and rounding the corner and right into a massive scion. He looked up at the disfigured and misshapen monstrosity, feeling like an ant attacking a mountain.

"What the fuck is that?" Diana shrieked.

"Uhhh, it's not good."

Cannonball unloaded all four of his steaming biotic balls. _POOMPOOMPOOMPOOM!_ The scion staggered under the biotic assault, but raised his arm-mounted cannon, aiming right between Cal's tiny eyes. He quickly ducked behind a wall, taking hard cover, but the scion unleashed a barrage. _Kapew kapew kapew!_ The force of the scion's cannon came through the metal barrier without slowing down, washing over the poor little volus. Sparks flew from his suit as systems overloaded. Cal's vision went dark as he lost control of his body and rolled down the stairs like a sack of potatoes. "Not fair! I was…_shhhh_…behind cover. And I thought they nerfed the scions!"

As Cannonball hit rock bottom at the bottom step, feeling his ignominy all the way down, he landed in the loving hands of his favorite reporter. She slathered medigel all over his face. "I am so going to break a heel doing this!"

Cal felt power surge back into his tiny body and he rose like a ghost from the grave. The scion was just rounding the corner and taking aim again. "For Irune!" he called out, almost wheezing. In slow motion he could see the scion's cannon energizing for the killing shot. He grit his teeth and crouched down. This would be the unstoppable force meeting the immovable object. _zuuuUUUPOW!_ As if shot from a cannon, Cal smashed into the grotesque monster with the mass of a dreadnaught. He returned to real space/time to see the scion stagger, roaring in pain. A giant bump on its back ruptured, spewing vile fluid and it crashed to the ground in a heap at the biotic god's tiny feet. Cal wobbled for a moment, dizzy and exhausted by his life and death battle. "Oh…_shhhh_…I think I need to lie down."

"Urgently: This is no time to go roly poly on me. Get to the objective."

Diana pushed Cal from behind and he looked back to see her and the droid, filming every second. "Get going!" she said. "I've got your back."

"Yes, yes, of course!" Cal turned to sprint into the lab, but Diana grabbed him and planted her lips on the top of his head.

"Get em, small fry!" she said.

Extra biotic energy poured into Cannonball, filling his wheezy lungs. He charged into the lab, ready to grab the Reaper tech and make for the extraction zone. What he got instead was a massive bug with eyes like floodlights. This was the infamous praetorian. "Oh sh…_shhhh_…sh…shit!"

He turned to flee, but the praetorian's eyes beamed brighter still. This was not going to be good. Cal winced and closed his eyes for a moment, but was startled by the sound of heavy gunfire.

"Badassfully: Git some. Git some. Git some."

Cal's eyes popped open wide and he saw rounds drilling into the massive bug and it jiggled and staggered under the withering fire. Then, faster than a transaction from Barla Von, Blasto leapt upon the praetorian, entangling it with his eight tentacles.

"Evil bug will not keep This One from Enkindler artifact!" the hanar said, almost impolitely. Blasto lifted the praetorian in the air and spun in a circle to fling the bug out the window. Before Bubin could say 'hurriedly: lickety split,' Cal seized the Reaper tech and presented it on the ground at Blasto's tentacles.

"Blasto, here is your Enkindler artifact. I was…_shhhhh_…proud to be part of Team Blasto. And you, Bubin, you saved the day…_shhhh_."

"No longer skeptically: You proved your worth, small fry. Grudgingly admiring: You have a lot of guts stuffed into that small suit." Bubin droned without any visible change in expression. Another elcor would have thought that pyrotechnics were going off.

Blasto patted Cal on the shoulders with tentacles. "This One might even see Spectre markings on the volus' suit in the near future."

"A…a…Sp…sp…_shhhhhh_…Spectre?" Cannonball's legs became wobbly and he held his head with both tiny hands.

The camera droid flashed and took a picture. Diana slid in front of the lens. "And you heard it first, on The Battlespace." Then, she sidled up to Cal and stroked his round head. "Mind if I come up to your cabin later…for an…umm…exclusive?"

Cannonball turned to the camera and one of his optics went dark in a wink. "And that…_shhhh_…is the smell of greatness."


	3. Cupid

**W/N - **Happy Volus Valentines Day. For LyingOwl-Aria's Valentines Day challenge.

**Cal's Crib**

"Suit mods, suit mods…_shhhhhh…_suit mods…hmmmmm," Niftu Cal uttered in frustration. He scratched his head through his suit, wondering what could he possibly get for his suit that would please an Earth-Clan woman. Back on the firebase with the mission for Blasto, he thought he felt chemistry.

But Vol-Clan were different. What did he know about Earth-Clan rituals? Nothing. This was so difficult. Why didn't he just stick to finances? Vol-Clan like Barla Von made everything so simple – supply, demand, what more was there to know in the galaxy? Just thinking about this nearly made him hyperventilate. There was only one place to go for the most updated information on anything.

The Extranet.

No, that wasn't it. Sure, you could call up a terraquad of data and a ton of porn at your fingertips, but he wanted a more personal touch and a much deeper level of intell. That left only one thing.

The Shadow Broker.

Cannonball raised his tiny hand and his omni-tool came to life. He tapped in the secret code that Barla Von had given him. Static played for a moment before a deep, synthetic voice came on the line.

"Operative Cannonball, you have some information for me? Your report on the Collector attack and the Prothean artifact was most useful. You will see an influx of credits shortly."

"No, Shadow Broker, I uhhh…_shhhhh_…have a question, actually," he said in his stuffy nose voice.

"Very well. Ask away. After all, answering questions is my specialty."

"I uhhh…want to know more about women, especially…_shhhhh_…Earth-Clan women."

"Human? You're not thinking of asking Commander Shepard out again, are you? You remember how well that went on Illium."

Cal winced and his skin flushed hot under his suit. "Oh, yeah…not good at all. Ummm, never mind."

"No, it's okay, Operative Cannonball. I uhhh, had the same problem too."

"You, Shadow Broker? I can't imagine."

"Cannonball, listen to me. It sounds like someone has come into your life. Now, I want all of my operatives happy and well cared for. Happy operatives are productive operatives."

"_Shhhhh_…that does make sense."

"I'm going to send you a package, rush delivery. It will have everything you need to get started and maybe even a suit mod or two."

"Oh joy! But…but what will I do with the package? I don't know anything about what Earth-Clan wants or what they do. I don't suppose she likes to play Galactic Monopoly?"

"No, Diana Allers doesn't like Galactic Monopoly."

"Di…. How did you know it was her?"

"I'm a very good Shadow Broker. Now, just trust me on this one."

"Yes…_shhhhh_…of course." The connection terminated from the other end. Cal felt lightheaded. So many things were happening all at once – his rise to biotic godhood, his joining the informal N7 team, meeting Blasto, the Earth-Clan woman and, oh yeah, some galactic war. It was almost too much for his tiny head to wrap around. He thought back on that operation on Illium against the Eclipse Mercenaries where he got his start. Now that it came to mind, maybe Commander Shepard was the one who did most of the work. Then, there was that whole fiasco where he indicated to the commander that she should merger with him and that he had all the latest mods to jump start her market share. It would have worked like magic on a volus female. A transaction like that would have been good business. In retrospect he was lucky that Shepard didn't stick a gun in his face. It was a very awkward moment.

Cal sighed. "Earth-Clan…so complicated." He really wanted to make a good impression though. After all, Earth-Clan woman had covered nearly all of his exploits and it _had_ been good for business. He thought that she had to be the one. "What if I…_shhhh_…mess it up though? Earth-Clan girls get really mad! Commander Shepard almost threw me out the airlock," he said, visibly shaking. He paced around, holding his hands to his head. But maybe Diana was different than Claire. First off, she was softer, bumpier, poofier. Shepard was all skin and bones and muscle. Not very Vol-Clan-like. And Shepard had eyes like that Scary-Base-Clan Praetorian. They could sear through you like lasers. Diana wasn't like that. And Shepard, she had way too many guns.

"When is that package going to get here? _Shhhhhh_…I can't wait."

His doorbell rang. Cal shuffled over to the door, his tiny feet walking over the rich, plush carpet in his home. Whoever it was had already registered with his security system so there was no threat. "Who could it be?" He opened the door and a salarian in a brown uniform held out a datapad.

"Deliveryforyousir," the salarian in shorts said, so fast that it sounded like one word.

Cal took the data pad and looked it over. It was from SB. He signed it and the salarian stuffed the package into Cal's waiting arms. Before he could say, "Thank you," the delivery man was gone and the hovering CitadelEx service van was pulling away. Cal shut the door and put the package down right in the foyer. He carefully sliced away the tape with his omni-tool and pulled open the flaps. His heart was pounding in his tiny chest. "What could it be?"

He pulled out a couple of game disks and some videos. "Boy, the Shadow Broker has been a lot nicer to me lately, ever since Commander Shepard killed that rogue Spectre on Illium. What have we here?" Without emptying the rest of the package, he plugged in the game called 'Dragon Age.' He scrolled through a few scenes until he came to one where a Ferelden-Clan witch woman wanted to bond with a big bronze Seheron-Clan and he gave her a hot pry bar to separate them should he want to nuzzle with her. "That sounds…_shhhhh_…painful."

It was just a game, but was that what Earth-Clan women wanted? He delved deeper into the box. "It's…_shhhh_…it's just a lot of…pink things." He pulled up a pink card and then a small sleeve full of pink hearts and then a handful of pink sparkly things. Finally, he removed a pink garment with white wings that would seem to fit him along with a tiny bow and arrow. "Oh, what do I do with this?" He held up the bow and pulled the string a few times. _Twang_. He looked back in the box. "Instructions. Good, Earth-Clan customs are so alien."

He pulled out a data pad and brought up a few images. "Wh…what's that?" he said and turned the pad upside down. "That goes where?" Now, he was beyond confused. He opened up the sleeve and took a look at the pink hearts. They looked all crumbly and he thought that they were meant to eat. A quick scan showed that they were edible and he put one into his induction port. "Mmmm, sweet. I could eat all of these." He put on one of the videos of a recent Blasto mission.

On the screen, the hanar, brandishing a Paladin pistol, stared down a vorcha thug. "In all of this excitement, This One cannot remember if It has fired five rounds or six. Do you feel lucky, punk?" Blasto said with all politeness.

This was going to be good. Cal nearly forgot about the upcoming exclusive. In the video, the Vorcha lay on the ground, slightly wounded. "Rrraaawwrrr. No more talk. Nuck Chorris angry! Strongest! Kill you!"

Just before the video played the ending, the doorbell rang again. He waddled over and checked the monitor. "Oh…oh, it's Diana. What do I do? What do I do?" He hit the intercom. "Coming! I'll…_shhhh_…be right there!" He ran back and began tossing things from the package around, heedless of the directions, pink sparklies flying everywhere. He stuffed the music disk from the Shadow Broker into his sound system as he uploaded the suit mods. He backed into his room and activated the door with a remote. "Okay, come on in!"

The door creaked open. "Hello? Cannonball? I'm here for our exclusive. Anyone home?" She looked around and then saw some things on the ground. "What the…?" Diana picked up a candied heart and popped it in her mouth. "Hmmmm, this is good."

There was static and a crackle from some speakers followed by a deep basso voice. "When I get that feeling, I need sexual healing…."

Cal watched Diana's face scrunch up. That must be a good thing. Now, if she would follow the trail of hearts…. _Yes, here she comes._ The Shadow Broker knew how to make a plan come together.

"Cal? Hey, what's going on? What's with the weird music?"

Cannonball knew that the moment was right and he summoned his biotic powers, channeling them deep into his muscles and he hopped out of the bedroom. "Ta dah!" he cried with a burst of blue energy.

"Whoa, Cal? What are you doing dressed up as cupid?"

He shot her with a sticky arrow right on the forehead. _Poink!_ "Happy Earth-Clan…_shhhhh_…Valentines Day." Now, he had done everything that the Shadow Broker told him to do and he was at a loss as to what was supposed to happen next.

"What the…?" Diana said, pulling the arrow off of her head. "Oh, wait, it _is_ Valentines Day. I get it, the candies, cupid. Awwww, Cal, this is so cute. I was hoping for the right body for my story and I think I found it," she said as she tugged at his pink body suit with white wings. "You know," she said slowly with a change in her tone, "this is just what I was waiting for." She tugged him along by one of his wings and he felt his suit mods taking effect. "This will have to be our secret, Cannonball. I am my credibility and reputation. If word would get out that I'm too close to a source, then I'm done."

Cal cleared his throat and dug down for his deepest voice. Right now, he felt like the biggest hero in the galaxy. "I'll make sure that it's…_shhhhh_…our secret," he said in a voice that, if Commander Shepard were a guy, it would have been him.

"Well, then I can't refuse an exclusive."

"Neither can…_shhhhh_…I." Cal's optics lit up like flood lights. The Shadow Broker had really come through.

Meanwhile, light years away, a blue asari sat at her Shadow Broker terminal and smiled.


End file.
